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Stage fright

March 11, 2008

So, this little blog is now on the Segullah RSS feed, and I am suddenly struck with stage fright. All the things I thought were interesting to write about seem dull now. I know I’m not going to be one of those cool hilarious bloggers like Sue or Cjane. The best I can hope for is an occasionally quirky blog, a mild chuckler of a blog, and then this kind of wise compassionate persona that I’ve tried to adopt in [most] of my online doings, ever since I first joined Hatrack’s forum lo these many years ago.*

Oh, I tried hard to be so wise there. I responded respectfully to various different points of view, and I went out of my way to seem open, while still maintaining my own ground. I wanted to show that not all Mormons were as dogmatic as some who haunted the boards back then.

This led to a serious time drain, as I spent time crafting and revising various wise, compassionate posts. It also made me feel… disconnected from this internet person I’d created. Because, truth is, in real life I am not nearly as wise and compassionate as I try to be online. In real life I get mad, very mad, at my daughter for rocking too hard on the rocking chair, as I’ve told her not to do many many times, and breaking our living room window (taped with duct tape now till we get it fixed. Nice.). And I get irritated beyond all reason when kids pester me in the bathroom. I just need some space, you know, and so I ask, trying to keep my voice level and almost never succeeding, if this sudden revelation about which Lego set to purchase with birthday money can’t wait until I am done. Please.

What I need in my life is some space to revise, some space to look at my actions in front of me and say, no, let me word that differently, let me change the tilt of my head or the tone of my voice, so that my life matches the person I want to be. I want the random people who read this blog to think of me as, yes, wise and compassionate, yet firm in my beliefs; I’m thinking that a little more effort on my part might make it so that my family, sometimes, thinks so too.

As long as they don’t bug me when I’m in the bathroom, we’re good.

*haven’t posted on Hatrack in years. But it was my first introduction to the internet’s addictive properties.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Eliza permalink
    October 1, 2008 6:17 am

    Love this post — you’ve hit on exactly what I love most about writing. You can be raceless and genderless and nobody can judge you except by how well you communicate.

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