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Polygamy and Plastic Surgery

September 25, 2010

The top two recent posts at Segullah, as measured by number of comments, are Beauty in the Age of Plastics, and I Love You, but Not Like a Sister Wife. I was not really following the discussion on either of these, and since I missed out, I thought that I would combine the two ideas here: what would happen if polygamist wives decided to get plastic surgery? (I will ruin it for those who like satire to be a surprise by saying up front that this is supposed to be funny, even though polygamy and plastic surgery and modesty are all serious issues and so forth.)

Colorado City, AZ
When Ted married Susanna, his latest eighteen-year-old bride, his older wives began to mutter and complain. “If you’ve got the resources to marry again,” said LaDarla, wife #1, “you’ve got what it takes to fix these!” She pointed to her chest, which was loose and sagging after nursing fifteen children.

Attempting to placate LaDarla, Ted agreed. And that was how it began. Thomasette, wife #2, demanded that her sticking-out ears be fixed, as well as the protruding ears of her five daughters. Georgina, wife #3, insisted on a derriere-lifting procedure, which Thomasette and LaDarla resented, because Georgina had only birthed three children. “She shouldn’t be allowed treatment until she’s had at least five,” LaDarla said.

But all the money Ted spent on LaDarla, Thomasette, and Georgina rankled with Susanna, the young wife who started everything. She wanted Ted to spend at least as much on her jewelry as he’d spent on the others’ surgery. This did not sit well with the post-surgical women. “Save your money,” they said. “After five kids (three, Georgina put in) you can pay for her surgery too.”

Modesty, which had never been an issue before, soon became hotly debated as well. LaDarla had a tendency to let her neckline ride just a little lower after her surgery, and Thomasette took to muttering “cleavage! cleavage!” whenever she walked past. But she, too, lobbied to have more work done, and begged Ted to call Dr. Olson (who was not available immediately, since he’d left on a month-long European cruise).

Finally Ted put an end to it all. “Not only is this making me go broke,” he said, “but it’s also causing you to bicker over things you’re not supposed to be noticing anyway. Be holy and plain again! Vanity is not of me, saith the Lord. Plus it’s expensive.” Ted says he may allow the occasional Botox treatment, but in the future if he wants a tauter, shapelier wife, he will either buy a Gold’s Gym pass (with a group discount!) or marry Trixie, their fifteen-year-old neighbor. Sixteen in October.

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